Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
