you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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