Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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