Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I could make wine with my vomit
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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