I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
