So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So here I am, sexting at work.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
