white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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