I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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