Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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