I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
