I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
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Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.