i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
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I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
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I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.