Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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