I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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