I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
