I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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