Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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