just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
