The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
