he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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