we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
