dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
