You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
