Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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