why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
