you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
