My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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