I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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