I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
