Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
