it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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