So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
