i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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