I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
