i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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