just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
