you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
