So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
