it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
