There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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