I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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