Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
