when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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