3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
