life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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