Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
