bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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