I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
