Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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