the condom got lost in my hair
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's how pantless uber rides happen
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
