I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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