Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
