I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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