you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
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Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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