I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
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So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
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We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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