dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
