How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
